😂💯
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Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
The news in a nutshell.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery