😂💯
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Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Good dog. ❤️
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
When you’ve simply given up.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.