πποΈ
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Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months weβll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and β
Me: *already asleep*
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: arenβt you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: arenβt you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so whatβs this episode about?
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Hey man, best wishes. And Iβm not just saying that because Iβd be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Donβt be alarmed,
youβre not a clock.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.