😂🖐️
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I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
The 4 stages of a family vacation
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
🤣🤣🤣
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody