Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.

My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.

Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”

“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”

The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me

Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.