😂😂😂
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A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation