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“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Why do meteors always land in craters?
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.