Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

nothing saves money like being antisocial

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.

there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?

Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?

Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible

You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”

Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.

When the stylist spins you back around

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?