πππ
You Might Also Like
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
I told my 5yo we werenβt going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you canβt go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and sheβs loudly told me that she never wants children
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but rememberβ¦ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes π
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Weβre all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying βCITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.β
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
You’ll be OK
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…Thatβs definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled βyourβ wrong.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.