Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘golfed’

“May I have it in a sentence please?”

Sure. He golfed with a tee.

“G-O-L-F-T”

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ

Defendant: What?

Me: I rest my case, your Honor.

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…

you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”

“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.

spicy snake

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY

My kids: We’re bored!

Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.