Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1638075973231951874/pu/vid/576x1024/y0l1ijiZqw3Hyawn.mp4?tag=12

The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this

CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh

CROCODILE: SAY IT

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back

Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.

Friend: That’s not the saying!

Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!

Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.

The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.

Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

*tries CBD oil for the first time*

“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”

“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”

“So you’re saying there’s a chance”

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter