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wife: what鈥檇 you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I鈥檓 not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don鈥檛 have those in Narnia.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you鈥檝e committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn鈥檛 have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
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Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.聽聽When we spoke they鈥檇
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One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”