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My 5 year old just hugged me and said, βThank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommyβ and thatβs why you donβt answer any questions before coffee in the morning
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means offβ¦OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something thatβs important to you?
He didnβt seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Me: Iβm so over him
Vodka: No youβre not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
waiting for halloween be like:
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Kids: Weβre hungry!
Me: Youβre in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
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Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
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Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define βsomeoneβ
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define βboyfriendβ
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing βStay With Meβ into a megaphone.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard theyβre kicking it.
Jeff is here!
βJeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a roomβ
Jeff is here!
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say βshould be a nice dayβ
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and Iβm trying to fish it out before it melts.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: β¦β¦β¦β¦β¦
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
βHi, my name is Gary and Iβm a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.β
Invisible Obama be like βUhh. Let me be clearβ
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied βsomething whiteβ for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
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soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
β no salt
β enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Our lord and savoury.
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Real men donβt need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Pretty sure itβs pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, thatβs amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, thatβs a moray.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: Thatβs gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. heβs danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* heβs nothing like me