๐๐๐
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My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish arenโt even from the same ocean and arenโt closely related
Lady: Donโt go there itโs a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Friend: Iโve been so productive lately! Today Iโm gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: Thatโs awesome. Iโm gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldnโt be here
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
me, one hour into the โno solid food for three weeksโ thinkin about pizza
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I think adulthood is realizing that Iโm single because of everyone elseโs shortcomings
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Itโs always โyouโre so cute when youโre mad,โ until the house is on fire.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out whatโs beeping.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd