😂😂😂
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[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
i love meeting boys on tinder
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.