馃槀馃槀
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I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I鈥檓 a business owner.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn鈥檛 find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I鈥檇 hung it on the coatrack.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She鈥檚 probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Lmao 馃榿
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here鈥檚 choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who鈥檚 also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
[inventing worcestershire 鈥媠auce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Friend: I don鈥檛 have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date