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Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Peace was never an option
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.