You Might Also Like
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
first you must answer his riddles
