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Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.