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My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a β-1β where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets donβt count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u wonβt buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.