You Might Also Like
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.