😂😂
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Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
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“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She![]()
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?