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If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
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Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it