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A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
When I laugh on my period
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.