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condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
If looks could kill
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo