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My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.