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APOLOGISE NOW!!!
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.