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A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir