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Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what