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I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…