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Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
A bold strategy
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry