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Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
i choose….tongue
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me