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Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Does this dress make me look cat?
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.