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I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates