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This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.