😂🤣😂🤣
You Might Also Like
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
The cashier just checked me out.
When you said “let’s circle back to that in the new year” and now it’s the new year.
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.