😂🤣😂🤣
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accurate
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?