Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her

the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things

Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

[1st date]

[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor

Her: “How’s your meal?”

[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.