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*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
58.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.