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INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.
As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Saw your ex at the shops
