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religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Bloody internet 😳
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.