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As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
This guy gets it.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”