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[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Did I do this right
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.