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How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”