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Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasnât aware I was wearing a costume.
Me: Donât you hate it when you walk into a room but donât remember why youâre there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
You canât scare me. Youâre not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, âso you want a salad?â The lady said, âno, a sub without bread.â So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldnât be telling yâall this.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. Iâve sold lots â my tv, my car, my jewelleryâŚ
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesnât do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. đđđđ
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Fiction has to make sense.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
âThat headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.â
âStressedâ backwards is âdessertsâ so chill and have that cupcake.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called âworkâ
How do dragons blow out candles?
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isnât a theme.
youâll be having a good day and then someone your age says theyâre buying a house
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types âposh_peopleâs_teaâ]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Iâm two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who canât stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driverâs license*
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far Iâve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
So, itâs OK if Robert Plant says âIâm gonna give you my loveâ, but I say it once and have to see HR?
Itâs not like I knew my fly was open!
Oh, youâre a stoner?
Name every stone.
God: youâre a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but youâre not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: itâs just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so youâre saying I donât meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so⌠I choose sleep.
Doctorâs office: Youâre overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.