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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.