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[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Do one person every day that scares you.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?