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These aren’t even hard anymore.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I’m putting together a team
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind