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Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?