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For all those men who sayâWhy buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?â
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says âyou can move up and stand on that X on the floorâ
I politely said âNo, Iâve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for thatâ
âNo son, leave Santa beer and pretzelsâ
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
âdo what I say or heâs not comingâ
turn-ons:
⢠eye contact
⢠people who pay attention to me
⢠people who know how to push my buttons
⢠oh god im a television
⢠how did this hâ
Like watching a full length movie â but in just 27-secondsâŚ
I followed the link to your rĂŠsumĂŠ but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
According to my 5yo âfood is not okay to eat if itâs been on the floor for 3 hoursâ so I guess itâs now the 3 hour rule
Nothing says I donât want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because itâs never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
When I was a kid, dad would say âIâd give that a minuteâ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed Iâd never be that crass with my kids, so I donât give them any such warning.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santaâs knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
The computer beat me in chess so Iâm downloading viruses
Give a man a catfish and heâll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] donât
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out âWeâre All In This Togetherâ With Their Yachts
Tea without sugar isnât âunsweetened teaâ.
Itâs. Just. Tea.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a âcorn mazeâ and not a âmaize maze.â
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. Youâll read, âBreathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.â Then the next oneâs like, âThis dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & Iâm STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!â
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I canât find my Funyuns.
broke: animals canât go to heaven because they donât wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinnerâs prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
itâs bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
why arenât GMOs called faking an organism
Me: I canât get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
*Cracks knuckles*
âTime to solve an international conflict with the worst takes youâve ever seen in your lifeâ