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Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
My blood type is b hungry.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.