Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”

– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?

10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled

Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes

soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.

WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say

They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.