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If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.