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My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
*sewing*
A thread
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack