Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

the best thing i’ve ever made

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.