Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box

MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!

[at the running of the bulls]

ME: imma try to pet ’em

What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!

Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.

My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.

after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”

Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”

I think about this cartoon a lot.

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.

It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.

Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1185354300836347905/pu/vid/720x1280/9usNH0tj1QsB7mVQ.mp4?tag=10

A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…

“Five beers, please.”