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Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
🙅🏻
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
🥴😂
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.