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Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: Iâm very attracted to you right now.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Itâs hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
âWhy do people even talk to babies? Itâs not like they can understand anythingâ I ask my dog.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying âBut why?â for 4 hours straight.
hmm didnât realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public menâs room and see all the sinks actually being used
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so heâll let the dog out in the morning.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
My motherâs birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesnât have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
Iâve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that Iâve actually discovered several new species.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when Iâm in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
âOooo, a window. Letâs see if I can fly through it.â â Dumbass birds
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSESâS PARENTS: ummmâŠ
A male goth is called a broth.
Unmuting myself to say âthank you!âafter a 1.5 hour meeting I didnât contribute anything to
Lunatics are gonna loon.
âGo on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.â
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle âwoofâ back & he looked startled. Now Iâm worried about what I said to him.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Iâm doing crunches twice a day nowâŠ
Captain in the morningâŠ
Nestle in the afternoon.
âgoogle d-dildoesâŠâ i whisper to siri âGOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!â screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say âoh, I thought she was already deadâ