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When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Mood.. 😂
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.