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A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
The pen is writier than the sword.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Sign at work today
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
.. do you even science?
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)