You Might Also Like
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
what’s in a name?
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers