đ
You Might Also Like
Me: Youâre asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, itâs called ThursdayâŚ
professor x: whatâs your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: thatâs finger lickinâ good
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
ME: Iâd like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
âNo screens allowed.â
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
âThis is your mother now.â
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding placeâŚ. itâs like the other furniture isnât even trying!
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait⌠are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someoneâs gonna have to serve some TIME
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes âugh thank you I needed that!â then just hung up
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Optimus Primeâs mom walking in on him while heâs carjacking
Itâs always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you donât have a soul.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CANâT DO THAT ANYMORE
Now who done made this a sport lmao
Gift horse âMy gums are bleeding.â
Dentist âWell this is a professional dilemmaâŚâ
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: CanâtâŚneed to work on my business idea.
Me: Whatâs your business idea?
10y/o: Iâm gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: thatâs not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHITâŚMy glasses r ruined
I see itâs garbage day on twitter again.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And thatâs just in one mall.
Me: Youâre going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No Iâm not.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Doctor: âJust lie back and relax, Iâll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.â
*Turns on laser*
*Patientâs face is attacked by cats*
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out âsuspiciousâ trash w/out questions
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?