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Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow