Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious

Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.

No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.

Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

[algebra class]

KID: This is so stupid

TEACHER: You may need it in your job

KID: What job?

TEACHER: …

KID: …

TEACHER: Algebra teacher?

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]

*extreme rat noises*

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects