Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store

Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

HER: DM me later, okay?

ME: Okay.

*later*

ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.

aladdin: i can show you the world

jasmine: no

aladdin: i can show you a cool bug

jasmine: ok

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

*wakes up due to construction noise*

*tosses and turns all pissed off*

*finally decides to get up*

*construction noise stops*