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me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?