You Might Also Like
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
i hate you platonically
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.