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When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
@funTweeters
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.