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recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now